Archive for April, 2009

to love sincerely
April 29, 2009

feeling a tinge of emo-ness tonight. dont worry, it’s healthy emo-ness πŸ™‚ just the feeling of being alone and thinking through things. haha finally got the time after three exams. the last one is in one week’s time πŸ™‚

have spent quite a bit of time studying with lyanna and sarah, and so far, other from the slight bruises thanks to lyanna’s pinching, studying has been fun and pretty productive πŸ™‚ too bad there will be less of these times when lyanna returns to NTU i suppose. that island seriously cages people in some way. oops. it’s been a long time since i felt that my friendship mattered to someone, and i’m glad that through all these years, our friendships have cemented to become, the best.

i miss talking to isaac, really. i wonder if our friendship can really stand this test.

papa’s far away in australia now on a business trip. on sunday, we had beancurd and breakfast together, and it felt so good, even though it was like for a very short time. haha as usual, i talked about my ideal partner and my wish to get married and be a wife and mother (yes yes, that’s my greatest dream. haha). somehow that topic always makes people talk i realize. haha. i cherish all the times we can sit down together alone and just spend some quality time. those times are really precious to me, and i’m going to make an effort to create more of these. i know that there areΒ a lot of unspoken hurts between us, and sometimes i struggle to keep silent about them. but i’ve come to realize that it’s not just because i’m passive about it, but i realize that.. i dont want to lose even the chance to be loved by him, no matter how insignificant it sometimes feels. but more than that, i dont want to lose the chance to love him, cos i really do.

i’m looking forward to the end of exams. i shall go roam about the streets, listen to the everyday conversations of people streaming by, savour coffee and cake, and just watch the world go by. i need those moments to be recharged spiritually and emotionally i think. right now all i can think of is Exam. AH.

i think i ought to think of what it really means to love others sincerely, and actively do so.

❀

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April 18, 2009

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for walking with me
April 16, 2009

it was a good dinner with yvonne yesterday! really missed her, and i was duper excited to finally meet her after some time. but it never gets any awkward between us. somehow, we just click and there is always this sense of warmness and familiarity whenever i meet her =) it’s been good, definitely.

really nice to have someone older and more mature spiritually to talk to, to rant about things that i cant disclose to the youths. it’s just so good to have someone to look up to, to rely and to depend on. even though i havent spoken to her for ages, she’s the first person i’d think of if i need any godly advice, and i’m so thankful for a sister like her. God really used her to shape my spiritual walk when i was younger, and i believe in the years to come, she’ll always hold that important role in my heart =)

tomorrow’s the last day of school. I AM SOOO EXCITED =) like seriously, seriously!

thoughts on. love.
April 12, 2009

it’s been a really eventful weekend, leading up to easter.. many CRYsis i should say.

i guess, it’s only through these crisis that my heart begins to grow and i have to make decisions to choose to trust God despite all that’s happening. and thank God for the grace to be obedient and not to crumble too much under the immense stress. ironically, i always feel rather stressed during easter, because of the easter parties every year. haha. i thought this time i could have it easier, but it was as always, challenging and stretching every bit of my faith. but i thank God that at least this year i sort of made up my mind that i would not crumble under the pressure once again. i would pray, trust and get it moving moving.

the easter party turned out fine πŸ™‚ in the end, i didnt share about H, but i shared about my father instead. i love my father very much, and sometimes i end up getting hurt because i may not receive the same measure of love, or receive it in the same way i want it to. i know he loves me a lot too. but i guess our love is always imperfect and full of cracks, and it takes a lot of courage, commitment and really, love, to move on, mend the cracks and continue to persevere in love.

this weekend, 1 Cor 13 came to my mind a few times. about love, that always perserveres, always trusts, always hopes and always protects. i wonder if i am loving you the same way, if my love is really reflecting Christ’s love for you and for me.

all these breakups, divorces, quarrels, cold wars, disappointments.. all the scars, remind me that our love is just so imperfect, so small, compared to God’s love in our lives. but they are beautiful scars, as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing, because they remind us of God’s constant love, and His healing in the parts that hurt. and someday, we will be able to look back and be thankful that though we once hurt, we were healed, and we, moved on.

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April 6, 2009

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fujitsuiee- not swee (pretty) at all.
April 3, 2009

shall not rant abt my trouble with fujitsu. ah, it will never end.. it was my first time lashing out at a total stranger on tue. while i felt slightly accomplished (cos i usually dont stand up for myself), the tears i shed after i left the service centre were evidence of my apparent weakness and much frustratation. ah well. 😦 service’s poor poor poor. and i’ve learnt that it’s really not easy to want to deal with such stuff in a way that glorifies God.. really. it’s really testing my patience (and my whole family’s!) to the maximum. yet i really dont want to blow up. it’s so, so hard. i struggle so much i feel like crying. yet again.

AH WELL. why did i buy fujitsu! someone, remind me please!

other than that, i’ve had a relatively good week! though there are still some stuff at the back of my mind, some things yet unsettled with some people. ahem. but, i guess i want to leave that unsettled. no way. i’m not going to give in and make the first move again. why am i always the one being taken for granted? i’ve been struggling about this though, esp when God gently reminds me what love is.

okay, forget about that.

jw called me one night, and we had a good talk. i’m always glad that i’ve this friend to fall back upon. he’s been a very faithful friend indeed, and sometimes, i cant help comparing, since he’s also a guy (and thus being a guy isnt an excuse for being insensitive). but i guess i shldnt; each friendship is unqiue and different.

meeting gavin tmr to do some youth camp discussion. really hope to be able to guide him well through this process. may the Lord so use me to make a difference in the life of this young guy, and in the process, refine me even more.