searching in the darkness

i figured this blog was long pronounced dead; but at 2:40AM, i just feel like ranting.

i remember having this conversation with S. wondering why people blog. i even had this thought of doing a thesis on it! haha such silly things intrigue me a lot. i guess.. it all boils down to the deep human need to be known, and to be heard. yet sometimes we are too prideful to admit that we need that kind of recognition, a someone to know our very existence, our thoughts, our lives.. and hence we blog to a somewhat, unknown audience.

and so, i suddenly feel the need to be heard, half wishing that the right people will find their way here.

reading too much psychology isn’t too good for my puny brain. it makes me think a lot, and too much. sometimes it scares me to realize that i dont know so much about myself after all, the way i am, the things i can actually think of, and the beliefs i’ve held on to more than half of my life. trying to discern what my heart is saying; is this just an obsession, a stubbornness to let go of something i’ve professed to for 14 years, or, as i hope, it’s someone’s stubbornness in refusing to let me go out of His hand. am i pursuing something i’m imagining, or is he pursuing me? i wish i could think less about it, but i think, this is essential for me to move on.

i honestly had second thoughts about going to thailand. afraid of what (definitely) lies ahead of me. the kind of emotional/spiritual/physical challenges that await me. and i’m definitely nowhere near the state of preparation i had hoped i would have by now. but it turns out that i am really going, and now, this is scaring me.

when i was teaching the kids on Sunday, i felt like whatever i was teaching/saying sounded very familiar; too familiar.. it was as if i had rehearsed a script, or as if my memories about him stopped at that stage of my life, and nothing is fresh, or new, or alive anymore. i felt like i was teaching a concept about someone, and it was so painful to have to churn out those words. in the past when i had this experience, i would be comforted in knowing i truly understood the experiences i was sharing.. but last week, i felt like a total crap. it was so strange. it was so painful, and dishonouring to him to speak of him like that. he deserves so much more, i know. and so do those kids.

tmr is yet another challenge. it scares me to think what i will see or have to go through the minute i step into that place. supposed to be a home, a refuge, a shelter, but i realize i fight my greatest spiritual battles right there. and i’m so awfully tired and sick of the kind of stuff that runs through my mind week after week. i wish i could run away, but i know, running away is not the answer.

when will i stop searching in the darkness.

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