Archive for the ‘faith’ Category

searching in the darkness
April 25, 2010

i figured this blog was long pronounced dead; but at 2:40AM, i just feel like ranting.

i remember having this conversation with S. wondering why people blog. i even had this thought of doing a thesis on it! haha such silly things intrigue me a lot. i guess.. it all boils down to the deep human need to be known, and to be heard. yet sometimes we are too prideful to admit that we need that kind of recognition, a someone to know our very existence, our thoughts, our lives.. and hence we blog to a somewhat, unknown audience.

and so, i suddenly feel the need to be heard, half wishing that the right people will find their way here.

reading too much psychology isn’t too good for my puny brain. it makes me think a lot, and too much. sometimes it scares me to realize that i dont know so much about myself after all, the way i am, the things i can actually think of, and the beliefs i’ve held on to more than half of my life. trying to discern what my heart is saying; is this just an obsession, a stubbornness to let go of something i’ve professed to for 14 years, or, as i hope, it’s someone’s stubbornness in refusing to let me go out of His hand. am i pursuing something i’m imagining, or is he pursuing me? i wish i could think less about it, but i think, this is essential for me to move on.

i honestly had second thoughts about going to thailand. afraid of what (definitely) lies ahead of me. the kind of emotional/spiritual/physical challenges that await me. and i’m definitely nowhere near the state of preparation i had hoped i would have by now. but it turns out that i am really going, and now, this is scaring me.

when i was teaching the kids on Sunday, i felt like whatever i was teaching/saying sounded very familiar; too familiar.. it was as if i had rehearsed a script, or as if my memories about him stopped at that stage of my life, and nothing is fresh, or new, or alive anymore. i felt like i was teaching a concept about someone, and it was so painful to have to churn out those words. in the past when i had this experience, i would be comforted in knowing i truly understood the experiences i was sharing.. but last week, i felt like a total crap. it was so strange. it was so painful, and dishonouring to him to speak of him like that. he deserves so much more, i know. and so do those kids.

tmr is yet another challenge. it scares me to think what i will see or have to go through the minute i step into that place. supposed to be a home, a refuge, a shelter, but i realize i fight my greatest spiritual battles right there. and i’m so awfully tired and sick of the kind of stuff that runs through my mind week after week. i wish i could run away, but i know, running away is not the answer.

when will i stop searching in the darkness.

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grace for each step
June 24, 2009

it has definitely been a long while since i’ve updated, and many, many things have happened since. *takes in a deep breath*. i realize that i dont like to blog when it’s about uplifting or happy stuff, ironically. i guess i should, then i’ll have some kind of memory of the happy stuffs.

anyway, the mission trip was an amazing one. it was life-changing in every aspect, and i wish i could put into a few words what everything meant to me. but to do so would to minimize the work that God has shown us during the 10 days over there. but, i guess the greater challenge lies when i return from all the hoo-haas. where am i to go from here? can i still keep the fervor and the fire in my heart. fan it into consuming fire, Lord. help me to always remember all that you have shown me of, you.

“Let go, Let GOD” camp 09 was another unforgettable experience. the whole planning process, since march, was challenging in every aspect. i tried to draw myself out of the whole planning process, but in the end, i came in much more than i expected myself to be. i wonder if it’s the workaholic in me. but i’m glad that the mission trip had prepared me spiritually, to pray and to ask God to reveal Himself. it’s amazing how He even put the theme into our hearts, and how it eventually birthed. the thing is that, everything that happened during the camp or even before, seemed to have a specific purpose in God’s timing. God had shown me why he chose to do certain things a certain way, and i’m convinced that “apart from Him, i can do nothing”.

lives were changed, definitely, but how can we keep the peak? only by grace. grace alone.

through these past 2 months, i see how God has graciously answered prayers that i have been uttering (sometimes faithlessly) for the last 2-3 years. it’s pretty amazing, yet when it happens, i’m just dumbfounded. yet i know that we are only merely at the tip of the iceberg. there is still so much to go when it comes to experiencing the Almighty God. and rougher and tougher is the road ahead definitely. honestly, i feel even more fearful of what lies ahead. oh what small faith i have, after all that God has shown me! i believe He will ulitmately bring us to what lies beneath the tip, but i’m just dreadful of the long process of wait once again. but i know He will not bring me to this position if He knows that i cannot bear with it; for He alone knows the small measure of faith that i have, and He alone will supply the grace for each day.

grace alone, grace alone.

little pleasant surprises :)
May 10, 2009

thank God for the little surprises along the way!

it was a great time of learning and reflecting on all the min sen shared today during yf. a time of re-thinking about the many masters i am serving and the only Master that i need to serve. there are really a lot of yucky stuff in my life, that builds up walls between the Lord and i. i wish i could wish them away, yet i know that this whole process of cleaning up is terribly needed so that i can truly, grow.

some of the youths have generously blessed me with some money for my mission trip. though the money isnt a huge sum, i am so awfully touched by their hearts to give whatever they can. with these little surprises and support, i’m confident that God is going to use this trip to so change me and mould me, and i am looking foward with great excitement to the coming trip! may my faith be so greatly stretched. may i learn to love the people, and may God use the little that we have to offer to bring upon His boundless blessings on the Thais.

today, min sen shared that one way we regain our intimacy with God is through serving His people and receiving support and love from our fellow brothers and sisters. and i am glad to be able to say that this is one of the greatest ways that God has been using to bring comfort, courage and challenge to my smaller-than-mustard-seed faith. though the going is so tough and frustrating, the love that i receive from these youths, and watching them grow, struggle and mature, is priceless, and irreplacable to this walk of faith.

meeting the chopstick sisters (this’ so amusing!) and sarah tmr for lunch! =) definitely looking forward to this!

thoughts on. love.
April 12, 2009

it’s been a really eventful weekend, leading up to easter.. many CRYsis i should say.

i guess, it’s only through these crisis that my heart begins to grow and i have to make decisions to choose to trust God despite all that’s happening. and thank God for the grace to be obedient and not to crumble too much under the immense stress. ironically, i always feel rather stressed during easter, because of the easter parties every year. haha. i thought this time i could have it easier, but it was as always, challenging and stretching every bit of my faith. but i thank God that at least this year i sort of made up my mind that i would not crumble under the pressure once again. i would pray, trust and get it moving moving.

the easter party turned out fine 🙂 in the end, i didnt share about H, but i shared about my father instead. i love my father very much, and sometimes i end up getting hurt because i may not receive the same measure of love, or receive it in the same way i want it to. i know he loves me a lot too. but i guess our love is always imperfect and full of cracks, and it takes a lot of courage, commitment and really, love, to move on, mend the cracks and continue to persevere in love.

this weekend, 1 Cor 13 came to my mind a few times. about love, that always perserveres, always trusts, always hopes and always protects. i wonder if i am loving you the same way, if my love is really reflecting Christ’s love for you and for me.

all these breakups, divorces, quarrels, cold wars, disappointments.. all the scars, remind me that our love is just so imperfect, so small, compared to God’s love in our lives. but they are beautiful scars, as Steven Curtis Chapman would sing, because they remind us of God’s constant love, and His healing in the parts that hurt. and someday, we will be able to look back and be thankful that though we once hurt, we were healed, and we, moved on.

Protected: hands too full
April 6, 2009

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Protected: though i havent lost my faith.
March 20, 2009

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