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searching in the darkness
April 25, 2010

i figured this blog was long pronounced dead; but at 2:40AM, i just feel like ranting.

i remember having this conversation with S. wondering why people blog. i even had this thought of doing a thesis on it! haha such silly things intrigue me a lot. i guess.. it all boils down to the deep human need to be known, and to be heard. yet sometimes we are too prideful to admit that we need that kind of recognition, a someone to know our very existence, our thoughts, our lives.. and hence we blog to a somewhat, unknown audience.

and so, i suddenly feel the need to be heard, half wishing that the right people will find their way here.

reading too much psychology isn’t too good for my puny brain. it makes me think a lot, and too much. sometimes it scares me to realize that i dont know so much about myself after all, the way i am, the things i can actually think of, and the beliefs i’ve held on to more than half of my life. trying to discern what my heart is saying; is this just an obsession, a stubbornness to let go of something i’ve professed to for 14 years, or, as i hope, it’s someone’s stubbornness in refusing to let me go out of His hand. am i pursuing something i’m imagining, or is he pursuing me? i wish i could think less about it, but i think, this is essential for me to move on.

i honestly had second thoughts about going to thailand. afraid of what (definitely) lies ahead of me. the kind of emotional/spiritual/physical challenges that await me. and i’m definitely nowhere near the state of preparation i had hoped i would have by now. but it turns out that i am really going, and now, this is scaring me.

when i was teaching the kids on Sunday, i felt like whatever i was teaching/saying sounded very familiar; too familiar.. it was as if i had rehearsed a script, or as if my memories about him stopped at that stage of my life, and nothing is fresh, or new, or alive anymore. i felt like i was teaching a concept about someone, and it was so painful to have to churn out those words. in the past when i had this experience, i would be comforted in knowing i truly understood the experiences i was sharing.. but last week, i felt like a total crap. it was so strange. it was so painful, and dishonouring to him to speak of him like that. he deserves so much more, i know. and so do those kids.

tmr is yet another challenge. it scares me to think what i will see or have to go through the minute i step into that place. supposed to be a home, a refuge, a shelter, but i realize i fight my greatest spiritual battles right there. and i’m so awfully tired and sick of the kind of stuff that runs through my mind week after week. i wish i could run away, but i know, running away is not the answer.

when will i stop searching in the darkness.

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and where do i go from here?
November 10, 2009

it has been a long time since i’ve blogged. i wonder if anyone still comes here to read. but anyhow, it’s just an outlet for me to rant.

i was accepted into a rather prestigious internship and i was really very excited. however, after yesterday’s meeting with the mentors, my dreams were sorta dashed in some way. the prof remarked that even though i have very good grades, i cannot enter into any postgrad programs because i am not currently taking a thesis. and i dont plan to. this internship’s involves clinical psychology, and it was my dream of being a child clinical psychologist since i started university. so after the meeting, i went home to seriously think about taking a thesis. but i really dont want to; partly cos i am really really lazy to do a thesis and i’ve never been interested in research.. and partly cos i’m suddenly not sure if going into the clinical field (or studying Masters) is something that i really want.

through the last two years, having abandoned my teaching award, i’ve struggled with comprehending where exactly God wants me to go. is teaching not the path for me? since young, i’ve loved teaching and loved children, and other than being a psychologist, teaching has always been something on my heart. a desire to pass on something to the next generation, and a desire to impact lives in a unique way. being a psychologist has always been a dream, and i guess yeseterday i finally concluded that it will always remain a dream, and going into teaching seems like the path for me right now. it has always been a struggle between psychology psychology and teaching.. and though it seems like a waste to not practise psychology after 4 years of education, i can happily say that i have enjoyed this course and have fulfilled what i’ve always wanted to do since secondary school. i believe that having studied psychology made me a different person; more perceptive and reflective in some way, and always a desire to know why and more. although there are times i’ve regretted not doing something prestigious, i believe God has placed me in this major for a good reason, and i am glad that i’m loving this study.

and so, i guess i’m pretty bent on going into education. hopefully that’s where God is calling me to. perhaps i can be a counsellor in school as well! 🙂

i dont know why i suddenly feel so insightful and enlightened! i know it’s so silly of me sometimes, but i dont know why i always choose to follow my heart in every thing i do. well honestly it’s irrational most of the time (like giving up thesis), but at the end of the day, i always remain steadfast in knowing that despite the roundabouts, u-turns and mistakes in my life, God is always in sovereign control, and loving Him is ultimately and only what is truly important in life. 🙂

thank You God, for the peace.

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April 18, 2009

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hello world!
March 19, 2009

wee! a brand new blog, a brand new perspective on blogging.

since this’ a much more personal blog, i guess there’s more room to speak about random issues, and be more emo! 😛 kidding. still get to update friends about stuff, share about my faith. and, just to rant, in ways that i sometimes cant in the previous blog!

dont worry, emo posts will be password protected so that only emo people can read! heh.