searching in the darkness

i figured this blog was long pronounced dead; but at 2:40AM, i just feel like ranting.

i remember having this conversation with S. wondering why people blog. i even had this thought of doing a thesis on it! haha such silly things intrigue me a lot. i guess.. it all boils down to the deep human need to be known, and to be heard. yet sometimes we are too prideful to admit that we need that kind of recognition, a someone to know our very existence, our thoughts, our lives.. and hence we blog to a somewhat, unknown audience.

and so, i suddenly feel the need to be heard, half wishing that the right people will find their way here.

reading too much psychology isn’t too good for my puny brain. it makes me think a lot, and too much. sometimes it scares me to realize that i dont know so much about myself after all, the way i am, the things i can actually think of, and the beliefs i’ve held on to more than half of my life. trying to discern what my heart is saying; is this just an obsession, a stubbornness to let go of something i’ve professed to for 14 years, or, as i hope, it’s someone’s stubbornness in refusing to let me go out of His hand. am i pursuing something i’m imagining, or is he pursuing me? i wish i could think less about it, but i think, this is essential for me to move on.

i honestly had second thoughts about going to thailand. afraid of what (definitely) lies ahead of me. the kind of emotional/spiritual/physical challenges that await me. and i’m definitely nowhere near the state of preparation i had hoped i would have by now. but it turns out that i am really going, and now, this is scaring me.

when i was teaching the kids on Sunday, i felt like whatever i was teaching/saying sounded very familiar; too familiar.. it was as if i had rehearsed a script, or as if my memories about him stopped at that stage of my life, and nothing is fresh, or new, or alive anymore. i felt like i was teaching a concept about someone, and it was so painful to have to churn out those words. in the past when i had this experience, i would be comforted in knowing i truly understood the experiences i was sharing.. but last week, i felt like a total crap. it was so strange. it was so painful, and dishonouring to him to speak of him like that. he deserves so much more, i know. and so do those kids.

tmr is yet another challenge. it scares me to think what i will see or have to go through the minute i step into that place. supposed to be a home, a refuge, a shelter, but i realize i fight my greatest spiritual battles right there. and i’m so awfully tired and sick of the kind of stuff that runs through my mind week after week. i wish i could run away, but i know, running away is not the answer.

when will i stop searching in the darkness.

resolutions, etc

2010, i embrace you! (:

random resolutions for 2010:

1. run half marathon! 21km! includes 1hr training every week!

2. finish the OT

3. go for 10/12 prayer meetings

4. learn Thai, talk to Kita in Thai

5. remain accident-free for the whole year

6. finish three good Christian literature

7. share Christ with two more friends

8. go for a mission trip!

9. learn to bake (at least, a cake!)

10. learn to bar chords on my guitar baby

11. go for worship/singing lessons with brother

12. learn to play 2 other songs on the pianoo!!

etc

etc

so i will try

i’ve been in a relatively good mood these few days 🙂 despite all the studying (actually really havent been doing much!)

anyhow, i finally got to talk to isaac yesterday 🙂 it was a happy conversation, as always. i always look forward to those random calls once in a while. i realize that i’ve learnt to let go more, not to hold on too tightly to this friendship that i treasure so much. i guess the recent spate of events in both of our lives had taught me so. and surprisingly, i feel that i can enjoy our friendship so much more than i used to! 🙂 as best friends, i just hope that he will always be so happy and driven and passionate about God and life! and it infects me, really! 🙂

i also finally got to catch up with harold khooooo on facebook. it’s always a happy thing to talk to him. our friendship has always been a very unique one; in all my other friendships, there’s always a slightly down side, like quarrels, misunderstandings, or something else. but harold is such a happy person from inside, we’ve always been happy happy friends. when we’re together, i become the “wonder” in me. i hope God will bless him with someone very special soon.

i hope LZ will not be angry with me for too long!

i feel like whatever i’m going through with JW mirrors what i went through with isaac some time ago. i shld learn to chill. haha.

and where do i go from here?

it has been a long time since i’ve blogged. i wonder if anyone still comes here to read. but anyhow, it’s just an outlet for me to rant.

i was accepted into a rather prestigious internship and i was really very excited. however, after yesterday’s meeting with the mentors, my dreams were sorta dashed in some way. the prof remarked that even though i have very good grades, i cannot enter into any postgrad programs because i am not currently taking a thesis. and i dont plan to. this internship’s involves clinical psychology, and it was my dream of being a child clinical psychologist since i started university. so after the meeting, i went home to seriously think about taking a thesis. but i really dont want to; partly cos i am really really lazy to do a thesis and i’ve never been interested in research.. and partly cos i’m suddenly not sure if going into the clinical field (or studying Masters) is something that i really want.

through the last two years, having abandoned my teaching award, i’ve struggled with comprehending where exactly God wants me to go. is teaching not the path for me? since young, i’ve loved teaching and loved children, and other than being a psychologist, teaching has always been something on my heart. a desire to pass on something to the next generation, and a desire to impact lives in a unique way. being a psychologist has always been a dream, and i guess yeseterday i finally concluded that it will always remain a dream, and going into teaching seems like the path for me right now. it has always been a struggle between psychology psychology and teaching.. and though it seems like a waste to not practise psychology after 4 years of education, i can happily say that i have enjoyed this course and have fulfilled what i’ve always wanted to do since secondary school. i believe that having studied psychology made me a different person; more perceptive and reflective in some way, and always a desire to know why and more. although there are times i’ve regretted not doing something prestigious, i believe God has placed me in this major for a good reason, and i am glad that i’m loving this study.

and so, i guess i’m pretty bent on going into education. hopefully that’s where God is calling me to. perhaps i can be a counsellor in school as well! 🙂

i dont know why i suddenly feel so insightful and enlightened! i know it’s so silly of me sometimes, but i dont know why i always choose to follow my heart in every thing i do. well honestly it’s irrational most of the time (like giving up thesis), but at the end of the day, i always remain steadfast in knowing that despite the roundabouts, u-turns and mistakes in my life, God is always in sovereign control, and loving Him is ultimately and only what is truly important in life. 🙂

thank You God, for the peace.

at the end of the day

it has been a very turbulent week! thousand and one stuffs have happened, yet despite all these, i feel a strange sense of peace. hopefully, after tonight, my brain and my heart can have a good rest, before i gear up even more for the coming weeks of papers, presentations and tests!

been struggling with certain friendships/relationships, and the emotional stress is taking a toll on me. i never figured that things would become this bad, but i suppose out of the storm, i can still see light shine through 🙂

because of this, he has become a child of God. and i guess though it was a painful time for him, and an equally tiring time for me, God used the troubles and storms in our lives and made something beautiful come out of it. through this, he saw God’s comforting hand. through this, i realized that at the end of the day, i need You.

at the end of the day, I really need You. i know no matter how far i walk away from you, or how pretty this world seems, at the end of the day, when all is said and done, You really matter to me. and i believe that You have allowed me to see precious lessons, and i believe that The One will be someone who truly loves and fears You. and that’s all that really matters.

at the end of the day, i am still blessed. even now as i type these words, my sister is sleeping so soundly beside me, and sometimes her presence brings me much joy, and ease in knowing that i have a loving sister whom i can fall back upon when the world gets onto me. thank God for that. i found her baby photo in one of the old devotional books. she looked so innocent and cute. i really loved her and wanted so much to protect her as a big sister. she was duper precious to me. now that she’s all grown up, i still want to protect her from all the storms, but i’ve come to realize that there’s just so much i can do, and yet she rests, in God’s loving arms.

met up with deb just now, and we had such a good chat and catch up over dinner. i’ve always been the passive one when it comes to maintaining friendships, and i’m truly thankful that she’s always the one taking the initiative to meet me. though we spend much less time together, i’m always glad that i can tell her everything 🙂

had a good chat with haharold as well! i was pretty touched when he said i’m one of his best friends. i’m really thankful for him, cos i know that he never judges me and i always feel happy and comfortable talking to him. will miss him when he’s back in UK.. hopefully things will be back to normal when the three of us meet up again.

last but not least, i met up with jw for supper for the past two wednesdays. it’s always so good to spend time with him.

as you can see, i’m trying very hard to make sure that this semester, i spend time building relationships as well, instead of being too obsessed with my studies! at the end of the day, it’s the relationships that we have that matter. the people we love. and i hope i can hold on to this, and truly what is important in life, as i near the busy part of the semester.

SHA: i’ve figured out some (more) stuffs! 🙂 long to tell u about them. shall pen u a letter when i’m free, again! love!

random bouts of loneliness

im thankful for some little joys during the week! glad to meet up with harold. he’s so funny and sincere that he lifts my spirit each time i talk to him. and i’m thankful for my sister, whom i can talk to and rant to a bit. and for erin dear, who has been my listening ear for some time. i think the friendship we share is amazing. and for gavin (yes, im sure you will read this), cos we are gonna meet up again, and i do love him as an older sister. i’m glad we share our lives.

random.

we all get bouts of loneliness sometimes, which, in my opinion, is healthy; we need to be reminded that only God’s love never fails and reaches deep into our hearts. we may blame others for not being there for us, but it will end up making us feeling bitter; we can blame ourselves, but we end up being defeated. perhaps we need to seriously face the responsibility of dealing with Loneliness and realize that without a thriving personal relationship with Jesus, we can never overcome this.

There is none like You. No one else can touch my heart like You do

Protected: here we go again

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grace for each step

it has definitely been a long while since i’ve updated, and many, many things have happened since. *takes in a deep breath*. i realize that i dont like to blog when it’s about uplifting or happy stuff, ironically. i guess i should, then i’ll have some kind of memory of the happy stuffs.

anyway, the mission trip was an amazing one. it was life-changing in every aspect, and i wish i could put into a few words what everything meant to me. but to do so would to minimize the work that God has shown us during the 10 days over there. but, i guess the greater challenge lies when i return from all the hoo-haas. where am i to go from here? can i still keep the fervor and the fire in my heart. fan it into consuming fire, Lord. help me to always remember all that you have shown me of, you.

“Let go, Let GOD” camp 09 was another unforgettable experience. the whole planning process, since march, was challenging in every aspect. i tried to draw myself out of the whole planning process, but in the end, i came in much more than i expected myself to be. i wonder if it’s the workaholic in me. but i’m glad that the mission trip had prepared me spiritually, to pray and to ask God to reveal Himself. it’s amazing how He even put the theme into our hearts, and how it eventually birthed. the thing is that, everything that happened during the camp or even before, seemed to have a specific purpose in God’s timing. God had shown me why he chose to do certain things a certain way, and i’m convinced that “apart from Him, i can do nothing”.

lives were changed, definitely, but how can we keep the peak? only by grace. grace alone.

through these past 2 months, i see how God has graciously answered prayers that i have been uttering (sometimes faithlessly) for the last 2-3 years. it’s pretty amazing, yet when it happens, i’m just dumbfounded. yet i know that we are only merely at the tip of the iceberg. there is still so much to go when it comes to experiencing the Almighty God. and rougher and tougher is the road ahead definitely. honestly, i feel even more fearful of what lies ahead. oh what small faith i have, after all that God has shown me! i believe He will ulitmately bring us to what lies beneath the tip, but i’m just dreadful of the long process of wait once again. but i know He will not bring me to this position if He knows that i cannot bear with it; for He alone knows the small measure of faith that i have, and He alone will supply the grace for each day.

grace alone, grace alone.

little pleasant surprises :)

thank God for the little surprises along the way!

it was a great time of learning and reflecting on all the min sen shared today during yf. a time of re-thinking about the many masters i am serving and the only Master that i need to serve. there are really a lot of yucky stuff in my life, that builds up walls between the Lord and i. i wish i could wish them away, yet i know that this whole process of cleaning up is terribly needed so that i can truly, grow.

some of the youths have generously blessed me with some money for my mission trip. though the money isnt a huge sum, i am so awfully touched by their hearts to give whatever they can. with these little surprises and support, i’m confident that God is going to use this trip to so change me and mould me, and i am looking foward with great excitement to the coming trip! may my faith be so greatly stretched. may i learn to love the people, and may God use the little that we have to offer to bring upon His boundless blessings on the Thais.

today, min sen shared that one way we regain our intimacy with God is through serving His people and receiving support and love from our fellow brothers and sisters. and i am glad to be able to say that this is one of the greatest ways that God has been using to bring comfort, courage and challenge to my smaller-than-mustard-seed faith. though the going is so tough and frustrating, the love that i receive from these youths, and watching them grow, struggle and mature, is priceless, and irreplacable to this walk of faith.

meeting the chopstick sisters (this’ so amusing!) and sarah tmr for lunch! =) definitely looking forward to this!

to love sincerely

feeling a tinge of emo-ness tonight. dont worry, it’s healthy emo-ness 🙂 just the feeling of being alone and thinking through things. haha finally got the time after three exams. the last one is in one week’s time 🙂

have spent quite a bit of time studying with lyanna and sarah, and so far, other from the slight bruises thanks to lyanna’s pinching, studying has been fun and pretty productive 🙂 too bad there will be less of these times when lyanna returns to NTU i suppose. that island seriously cages people in some way. oops. it’s been a long time since i felt that my friendship mattered to someone, and i’m glad that through all these years, our friendships have cemented to become, the best.

i miss talking to isaac, really. i wonder if our friendship can really stand this test.

papa’s far away in australia now on a business trip. on sunday, we had beancurd and breakfast together, and it felt so good, even though it was like for a very short time. haha as usual, i talked about my ideal partner and my wish to get married and be a wife and mother (yes yes, that’s my greatest dream. haha). somehow that topic always makes people talk i realize. haha. i cherish all the times we can sit down together alone and just spend some quality time. those times are really precious to me, and i’m going to make an effort to create more of these. i know that there are a lot of unspoken hurts between us, and sometimes i struggle to keep silent about them. but i’ve come to realize that it’s not just because i’m passive about it, but i realize that.. i dont want to lose even the chance to be loved by him, no matter how insignificant it sometimes feels. but more than that, i dont want to lose the chance to love him, cos i really do.

i’m looking forward to the end of exams. i shall go roam about the streets, listen to the everyday conversations of people streaming by, savour coffee and cake, and just watch the world go by. i need those moments to be recharged spiritually and emotionally i think. right now all i can think of is Exam. AH.

i think i ought to think of what it really means to love others sincerely, and actively do so.

❤